Befriending Time

This pansy is still in it's little starter pot even though I bought it two weeks ago.  It is still healthy and waiting to be planted.  I have about 90% of my garden cleaned out now so I am making progress and they will be planted soon.  I do get frustrated with limited time and energy.  I wanted to get them planted right away.  Since I have been walking Pascal in the woods; I have gotten lots of bug bites on my ankles and lower legs and apparently whatever bit me I am allergic to.  Serious itching, bright red skin and hives.  It was bad enough I had to take Benadryl and I had to take enough so that it put me to sleep.  ZZZZZZZZ all day yesterday.  I also never know how I will feel from day to day with my medical problems so at times I get frustrated with time.
I have been reading Julia Cameron's 'The Sound Of Paper' in which she gives a situation that can cause one to hit a slump in their life and then she gives something to try to get oneself reconnected with life.  Even though this exercise is not exactly for frustration with time; it worked for me.


"Compassion
Try this: Most of us have been braver than we know, braver than we acknowledge.  Take pen in hand and write yourself a fan letter, thanking and praising yourself for your courage.  Be specific.  'It was brave of you to go back to graduate school.  It was brave of you to help your sister through her divorce.  It was brave of you to enter that juried show. It was brave of you to take up fly-fishing.'  Your inner artist is proud of you for your many accomplishments.  Let this letter be a place to share that pride.  Write fully and fondly, then mail yourself that letter."

When I look at what I have accomplished the frustration vanishes and is replaced with self respect.  I am grateful to have found this book and for the wise advise in it .  Johnina  :^A

 

Doctors, Doctors and more Doctors (Part 2)

and disappointments and hope and a little bit of serendipity.  Over the last three weeks I have had at least one doctor or physical therapy appointment a day.  It's getting really old, especially on days when I have two appointments.  It's very time consuming.  I've gone into the doctor, told them of the problems I've been having only to be referred to another doctor or given advice, getting my hopes up, trying their suggestions only to have them fail or not work as well as expected.  I was beginning to feel like this floor looks, like I was walking into a prison.

Finally  I found the doctor with the answers, but I didn't like all of the answers.  Amazingly the doctor or actually the doctors assistant was the endocrinologist.  One would have thought the surgeon or the pain doc or the primary care would have the answers first, but such was not the case.  Since I have so many medical problems and they all interact sometimes it is hard to know which doctor to go to; so I end up sitting in many waiting rooms with the most uncomfortable chairs in pain and sick.  Why is it that doctors offices and medical waiting rooms tend to have the most uncomfortable chairs?

Anyway it seems that I had come down on my corticosteroids too fast and it was causing all kinds of my symptoms.  From my hair failing out, withdrawal symptoms (nausea, stomach cramps, chills, headache,etc.), trouble keeping my blood sugars stable, lethargy and whatever else.  It's amazing what having a hormone out of whack will do to me, so many things are affected and I feel so cruddy.  Upping my steroids made me feel better much better and faster than any other suggestions from the other doctors.  There was bad news here though, it seems that the reason that I had so much trouble with the pain is because I no longer make my own endorphins which makes my pain level higher than it would be for most people.  Also in spite of taking 3x the high dose of vitamin D supplements I am still deficient.  Now on to looking up and having hope and the little bit of serendipity.

I am no longer vitamin B-12 deficient and therefore no longer anemic so I no longer have to see the hematologist.  I've met all my goals in physical therapy so I no longer have to go there that gives me an extra hour three times a week in travel time.  I still have to exercise but no more travel.  Progress-Progress

Now for the serendipity- several months ago Tom ran across an article on the Internet on how vitamin D helps the pain of Fibromyalsia,I asked the fribro group about it and some were having good luck with it so I asked the pain doc about it and he said he knew nothing about it but it was safe to try and to let him know how it worked so I tried it and it did help a little.  When i next went into the endocrinologist the assistant saw it on my list of supplements and decided to test me to determine if I was indeed deficient, and I was.  She prescribed a dosage and retested this last time I went in.  The level is up a little but still low, so up goes the dose.  Then I go in for my IVIG and find the library in Fayetteville, which has a different selection of books from the Griffin library; only to find the book "The Vitamin D Solution"  This book seems to have so many answers to so many of my medical problems, I have hope and am excited to find out more.  This book has turned into a real page turner for me.  Wish me luck in being able to implement the ideas in this book and hopefully it will improve my life.  I certainly seem to have been led to it.

Fantasy, dream or goal

Since I have been making progress on my knees and being able to walk with greater ease; it is now time to work on my arm and hand damage.  I have neuropathy in my right arm and hand and have had two surgeries to keep my arm and hand working.  At one point I had to teach myself to write again much less paint or draw, but after many months I was able to do that.  I discovered that some of the skills the artistic skills never really left; I just had to learn to control the pencil or brush again; the artist eye was never lost which is why I took to photography so fast.  Photography became another way to artistically express myself.  At first it seemed easier just to look for the composition and than push the shutter.  I have since learned that there is more to it than that to be able to fully express myself to my fullest artistic ability and I'm still learning that and enjoying the learning process.  However the best rehabilitation for my arm and hand is drawing and painting.  When I fell and hurt my knee; I grabbed a handrail and re-injured my arm and hand and untill now I really did not take the time to work on rehab for it.

I enjoy fantasy novels and drawing fantasy figures and creatures.  I find I enjoy making the differences and the freedom of composition creating such drawings provide.  Many fairy tales are  great metaphors for life.   For many years now I have wanted to write a fantasy novel as a metaphor for my life and maybe a way to do some healing.  I have actually started this project.  It is in a pink notebook with some pictures, character descriptions, a few scenes and dialogues.  Like the title describes is this just fantasy for me, a way to take me out of this world for awhile or is it a dream to work on occasionally to make me feel like I'm making progress or a goal to be set and worked and reworked until progress is made and the novel completed?  I've been thinking about this since I was offered a blog award but one of the requirements was to tell several things about yourself that others don't know and this is on of my secret fantasies, dreams, goals that most people do not know about.  This is a biggie for me.  Do any of you out there have secret goals or dreams that seem at times impossible (cuz if you thought it was possible or easy you would tell others and do it)?  Tell someone or put it in the comments and maybe serendipity will find a way to make your dreams come true. 

Now living fearlessly - Excuses Begone!

I just started reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's book Excuses Begone! for the third time.  Each time I get more and more out of it and more and more determined not to let excuses get in the way of my becoming the full and complete person I am supposed to be.  My Mom died at Easter time with so much left to give, with so much talent still left bottled up inside.  She was still so much afraid of life and what she had to give.  Dad gave her a necklace for her birthday that said "live, love, laugh" something I think she was learning it was missing from her life and was trying to put that philosophy into her life.  She made my sister, Pam, promise to give it to me when she died because she felt that of all her children I was the one missing that philosophy the most.  Mom received the necklace in January and died in April, not much time for her to use it.  I wore it for a long time, then put it up and only recently got it back out again.  It's time for me to use it to the fullest; to "live, love, laugh" to become the person I am supposed to be; to fearlessly live to leave the excuse behind so I don't die afraid of life with all my talents left bottled up inside.  This message seems to be coming from all sides, finding the necklace, finding the book, a receptionist who reminded me that I didn't want to die with my talent bottled up inside, to the unexpected death of a friend my age, to the anniversary of my mother's death. Serendipity coming into my life once again.
I edited and will print up this photo to remind me to live life fearlessly, to keep up my current zest for life.  The clouds are exploding out from behind the dark trees that had been hiding them and lighting them up on the way.  The clouds also remind me of the Pheonix's flames from which I can burst forth reborn.  (PLEASE CLICK ON PHOTO TO SEE MESSAGE MORE CLEARLY)

Hooray for me

Went in for my IVIG today, not my favorite thing to do. I got weighed, even less of a favorite thing except for today, because we figured out that since last Nov. I have lost 23 lbs. I finished a really good book, "A Great and Terrible Beauty" In fact it was more than good it was great. It is a teen fantasy set in a Victorian private school. It was a very good tale of growing up and growing into ones own power. I also did a lot of photo organizing. Than I ran errands. A very full day. Hooray for me all the way around; for the weight loss and getting so much accomplished.

Website from my friends at MSS:
http://wdphotografics.blogspot.com/
Wayne does not post very often but what is there is truly impressive; lots of information, inspiration, beautiful photographs. It is well worth reading ALL of his posts and checking for new ones. He also sells from this website. Check this one out.

Finished last night

Emily brought this book with her for me to read. She is an English lit. major with a sense of humor. We both have the same slightly bizarre sense of humor and enjoy books like this, authors like Neil Gaiman, and movies such as Nightmare Before Christmas and Monty Python's Holy Grail. I enjoyed this book; it is good satire of "Pride and Prejudice" and the morals and manners of the times. One good example is that the zombies are never referred to as zombies they are unmentionables. Even the publisher has the appropriate name of Quirk Classics.
I probably would not have finished last night but I was using it as a distraction from the fibro pain. This is a good indication of how good the book is and how much I enjoyed it because if it wasn't good enough it would not have been a good distraction.

Ground Level Photo Workout- more photos

If you would like to see more go to my flickr photostream and I have many more mushroom pictures and by tomorrow I will have more edited and put on flickr. I think by the time mushroom season goes away I will have enough pictures from all differant angles to do my own book on mushrooms. I just don't know enough about mushrooms to do a book. Anyone want to collaborate on one with me?