Saturday, December 18, 2010

Fear of melting

When the kids were little and didn't want to go out in the rain or have me go out into the rain, I would tell them that the last time I looked I was not the wicked witch of the west so I wouldn't melt.  This past week I'm not so sure and since it has been cold and kind of rainy outside it has only made it worse.  CRANKY, CRANKY, CRANKY.  I just want to be just plain nasty to the world;  I'm seeing the injustices instead of the beauty and I am incredibly tense from holding back my tongue.  Apparently I am doing a good job of keeping up a good front because Tom said he hadn't noticed any change in my behavior, but it is making me feel like I could just explode from frustration.  I haven't felt this way in a long time and this intensity of negative feelings have usually come from medications.
I think however this is from cleaning out my system and all that medicine that got stored is coming out.  In searching for the reason for the calcium deposits in my muscles, it was discovered that I have aluminum poisoning and I was put on a detox regime.  I have found in the past when I lost a lot of weight quickly that I would get the side effects of some of the meds I had taken in the past even if I was no longer taking the medicine.  The doctors supposed that I was releasing some meds stored in the fat; there is no proof of that but that's what they suppose is happening.  Unfortunately one of the side effects is seizures and like most people who have seizures they wipe me out completely for a day or two and then have to recoup for another day or two.  The detox has done this to me too.  I'm working with the neurologist in knowing how to handle this and when I need the ER.  Now the commercials for this medicine have a warning about the muscle tremors, seizures and anxiety attacks, but when I took it there was no such warnings.  I was treated as having purely psychological problems as the effects got worse and worse, until I saw this neurologist who recognized it as a drug reaction and took me off the medicine.  Fortunately the seizures stopped and only appear now when I lose weight or detox.  For some the seizures become permanent. 
The anxiety attacks have become bad enough that even if Tom has not noticed Rascal has.  I can't take pictures while walking him; he is skittish and pulls on the leash, no more walking nice and waiting for me to take a picture.  This does not help with the crankiness as I am missing a lot of cool pics AND getting my arm jerked on.  So for now I am Wicked Witch of the West and I have to watch so I don't melt.

I have found with my multiple medical problems and one of the reasons for the multiple medical problems is that there is no such thing as a medicine without side effects.  The fact that the medicine works is a 'side effect' and quite often new medicine breakthroughs come about because in studies 'side effects' show up with such regularity that the medicine gets used and marketed for the 'side effects' and not the original intention.  Right now even though I am suffering from the meds I know that sometimes they are necessary and are worth the trade-off in fact some of my meds keep me alive.  I have one medicine that if I go without it for about 24 hours, I will die.  Not feel so bad I feel like dying; I mean dead as in put me in a coffin and bury me six feet under dead.
I am doing my best to keep up my spirits and the seizures seem to be subsiding so I'm back at least a little bit and so here is a sample of my last zen-doodle that I did to chill out.
Enjoy  Johnina  ☺☺☺☺


Debra She Who Seeks said...

I hope your detox goes quickly and soon you'll be back feeling like yourself again. In the meantime -- zen doodles!

Zuzana said...

I am really sorry yo are not feeling your best. Often when I complain about my petty problems and then realize that there are people like you out there, dealing with terrible pain that I can not even comprehend, I realize how lucky I am truly am...
I hope you will feel better soon and that you will have a lovely Christmas, should I not have an opportunity to wish this to you later on.;)

young-eclectic-encounters said...

Debra and Zuzana
thanks so much for your well wishes. I'm trying hard to do what I need to to get better. Merry christmas
Johnina :^A