Sunday, May 1, 2011

My personal storm

Now to why I have not been posting recently.  It seems I have had something of a manic-depressive month.  I have have had the joys of my sons wedding, with 5 of 6 kids and 5 of 10 grandchildren at home.  I can't think of anything better than that; to the lows of being tentatively diagnosed with a brain tumor. (MRI has since ruled that out) And just like the leaves in this picture I have been tossed to and fro.
Add like with our spring storms I have cried me plenty of tears of both joy and sorrow.  Sometimes the spring rain is gentle and made you feel like dancing in the puddles and sometimes it is rough and stings and makes you want to go inside.  My son has been happier since he met his wife than I had seen him in years and at the wedding he glowed.  I know usually people talk about how the bride glows on her wedding day but this was a time when the groom glowed equally as bright.  Great tears of joy and if I had been able I'd have been up dancing with my girls, bride included.  Pictures to follow on a post in a few days to explain that one.  I have cried a river of tears for my health, and like a heavy rain I retreated inside.  A bad move on my part as it kept me from sources of comfort and compassion.  My family knowing of my troubles broke through as best they could but I did tend to cut them off too and then I cut myself out of other sources like this blog, my photography and the friends I have made through these sources.  Why is it that at the worst of times we often do the worst for ourselves?  On top of all the medical problems I have; last fall I started having neurological problems and I had them checked out and they weren't too bad so I just dealt with them.  Then the two month migraine and sinus infection which cleared up but then I started sleeping 16-20 hrs. per day; having severe problems with memory and concentration, having severe tremors several times a day, seizures every couple of days, walking into walls or falling if a wall was not handy, constant headache, total lack of control of my blood sugar both high and low, and I can't keep myself hydrated. All this came on quickly and I felt like the Unicorn from the 'Last Unicorn' when she was turned into a human and was therefore mortal when she said 'I can feel this body dying all around me.'  I certainly felt my body falling apart all around me.  To the doctors I went; where the first tests showed that I should have a pituitary tumor.  Okay so this is bad news but most of these tumors are benign are fairly simple to remove, they go up through your mouth behind your sinus, and then my problems could go away, maybe even problems I've been plagued with for years.  I still cried a lot because of the what ifs and then the neurologist starts talking about me having a brain tumor, which is a lot more iffy.  Anyway an MRI was ordered and good news- bad news 'no tumor' the biggest bad news with this is the doctor said that basically I would just have to learn to live with it.  The results were sent to my primary care doctor and he agreed with the neurologist.  I have simply been sick for so long and on so many medications that my brain has basically been fried.  All this took place in amongst and just after the wedding festivities.  I'm in the process of finding another neurologist for a second opinion and trying to come off some of my meds but if I didn't need them I wouldn't be taking them. I can tell you every medicine I take and how it helps me so we'll see how this goes.
I don't want to leave you on such a sad note so I will show you I still have not lost my sense of humor. During one dark and stormy night our lights went out and living in the boonies it gets real dark, but I was hungry and so I felt around for the flashlight (I have recently found phones work well till you can find your flashlight) got me a yogurt and figuring I could eat it in the dark sat in the recliner, turned off the flashlight, and on the first bite- plop- the yogurt went right down the front of my shirt. Flashlight came back on and I balanced it in the arm of the chair and noticed the shadow puppets my feet were making on the wall. My wolf howling at the moon. Hope you get a chuckle out of it like I did.

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