Sorry sometimes I get down

Step by painful step

Pain, pain and more pain

Times of down spirits.

Diagnosis after diagnosis

When will it stop?

Lack of color in my life.

New day, color coming back.

Some dark, some light.

Beautiful contrast

Take a look 

Enjoy 

Taking baby steps back

Learning, coping, lifting spirit.

  Can always come back

To see the beauty of life.

Color in my life.

I am always in pain for me it is a matter of degree.  For the last couple of days my pain level has been extreme. I have pretty well learned to cope with pain and be able to see the beauty of the world.  Most people do not know that I am in pain all the time.  A couple of years ago I remember an afternoon of being pain free but other than that I don't remember being pain free.  Even on narcotics I am not pain free and believe me I know if I forget to take them.  On a scale of 1 to 10 my pain doctor and I try to keep my pain level under 5 and I have learned to cope pretty well at that point; not too much pain and not too groggy.  It's when the pain goes above 9 or stays above 8 for more than a day that I have a hard time.  My pain level has been above 8 for about 4 days now.  I went to the ortho doctor yesterday and he told me that my knee swelling and hurting could go on for another 6 to 8 months.  I really don't want this kind of pain for another 6 to 8 months even  if it is off and on, and that's just the point at which he would start to worry it could go on longer.  I told him about the vitamin d deficiency and the pain in my shin and he was real concerned about my having a stress fracture.  He had an x-ray taken; no stress fracture but calcium deposits in the muscles in front of my shins.  He said he didn't know what was causing them but they could be very painful equivalent to a stress fracture.  He also said that I now needed to be careful with my exercise so that I don't get a stress fracture and to come back immediately for an x-ray if I have any increase in pain. Between the pain, the doctors concern over fractures AND a new diagnosis I am feeling quite overwhelmed.  when I got home I started to research calcium deposits and the causes. None of the causes where pleasant and most of the causes required a different doctor to diagnosis it.  I could spend a lot of time and money just getting the cause so a treatment can be started. BIG TIME SIGH.

I've kind of resorted to chocolate, ice cream, caffeinated non-diet soda, and TV as comfort foods and distractions.  I even went so far as to watch SYFY movies. Actually I kind of like them they remind me of the B-movies I used to watch as a kid on TV or at the Dundee theater for 50 cents.  Then at college the good old 'Creature Features- Fiendish tales of......' where everyone would gather in the dorm lounge to watch, with bowls of popcorn, camaraderie, and where I learned to make no-bake cookies during commercials.  Also with SYFY movies you never know whose going to die sometimes a good guy will bite the dust while the bad guy goes on living, sometimes the sweet couple survives, and sometimes like the one I just finished watching where the monster ape killed everybody.  I don't often watch these movies i have to be in the mood which I must be because I'm on my second one (Halloween marathon)Sigh

I did get up and take some pictures this morning which did sort of get me a baby step in the right direction and the picture and poem above are the result of that baby step.  Hopefully tomorrow will be more and bigger steps back to seeing more color and beauty

Johnina:'C heading back to :^A